from the ground up

we made holy promises,
and then we kept
our lips tightly sealed.

is this what a broken heart feels like?
because i’ve never felt more anxious.
i’m like three ribs cracking under heat,
like a pigeon with a broken wing.

the way you looked at me tonight: so disgusted;
but i’ll never let you go, not over these things.
because these things are transitory,
and that is a good thing to keep in mind.

i am yours,
bent and contorted,
blind and baffled,
but always yours.
in sickness and health,
for sooner or later,
for better or for utter lack of all.
because love is enough,
even when it doesn’t seem to have a neck
strong enough to hold up such a big head.

i remember when you could still run,
but that was years ago now.
it scares me to think that you’ll be this way
forever and ever more:
laying, sleeping, occasionally moaning with pain,
or trying to call for help when you are having
a bad dream that you can’t wake yourself from.
it scares me, but i know it scares you more,
and that is okay,
because i don’t think any less of you for it.

nobody would guess it by looking at you,
like those buildings that slowly have the earth
torn out from underneath them
until one day everything collapses and all that is left
is a giant well, like a crater on the moon.
you are a walking, breathing exercise in not
judging a book by its cover.

you asked me today if i thought God might be using this
as punishment for your disobedience in some way.
i told you that i didn’t think so, but that i couldn’t be sure.
the truth is, i’m proud of how far you’ve come,
and i think that God is too.

i don’t know much about new year’s resolutions,
but i have plenty of hopes.
i don’t know anything about stenosis,
but you’re my dad and sometimes i still
think that you are superman.
you might never run again;
that makes me sad.
but i can hear you snoring in the next room
and i’m grateful for that.

your head was on fire
with all these crazy thoughts
so i put them out.

you never knew it all
but you sure did pretend to.
don’t scream and shout.

you’re a broken wish
and an empty dream
it’s not the way things are
it’s just the way they seem.

as we travel into tangled and treacherous territories,
i believe that there is nothing that can stop us
or trip us up.

these are tricky and terrifying times,
but we have a terribly strong God who is always for us
and never against us,

and as we tear through all the circumstances,
tantamount to apocalypse itsel,f in all its terror,
we stand, confident

in our newfound weakness, knowing that the love our
God has for us, that he is pouring into us through
one another,

is enough for us to weather any torrential downpour
or storm that fate can throw our way.
though, we’re admittedly tired.

you said tonight that you don’t like the negative statements
that i sometimes make in my moments of despair,
and i agree.

you said tonight, in the stillness between my bursts
of anger and pride, that we are going to be okay,
echoing her last words.

i believe you, trusting the still and small whispers in my heart,
and the words that you confidently speak to me.
i am proud of you.

You are a champion and an angel, mine for half a year
and forever onward. you are my prize and my love
worth fighting for.

because of you i began to realize my need to grow,
paying attention to the minute details.
and it is you

that God is using to teach me about love, empathy,
and all of the things in between.
i think that God

knows best that it takes a strong and beautiful woman
to teach a stubborn and prideful boy how to become
a humble and compassionate man.

i feel it in my chest, i have to write this now:
you need to know, that you never let us down.
and you’ve always made us proud.
it creeps into my mind, so i’ll baptize here
not water or spirit, but words to calm your fears.
now’s the time for tears.

take care,
and i’ll see you past the gates.
it’s not fair
to see you have to wait.
take your wings and fly
you are the twinkle in our eyes.

it is one of those nights where my chest feels tight,
where nothing i’m doing is right.
it’s a hopeless, unnamed glass bottle of champagne,
it will leave like the blind man’s sight.

I need what I have,
I don’t need what I want,
I’m alive
and I love what I’ve got.
but some nights
I can still feel the pain.

no more,
no more,
no more.

i’ll wait
through calendars
and long days
to be with you
forever
i want to be with
forever

“i got tired the other day and fell asleep at noon
when i woke up i was on the moon;
my love of many decades was gone.
i didn’t wake again till dawn.
but she never did come back to me
i would have payed it all to see
just one more glimpse or simple vision
of her face but i’ll never get it.

you were there while growing up
and all through life you were enough.
but now you’re gone; i’m on my own
life has never moved so slow.

i can’t imagine what the wait
will look like up at heaven’s gates,
but i’ll be by your side by then
then we’ll both just waltz right in.
free to walk and free to run
and let our skin be washed in sun.
no more trouble no more pain
all of that has gone away.

you were there while growing up
and all through life you were enough.
but now you’re gone; i’m on my own
life has never moved so slow.”

two more years, and this is mine
another love, i’ll never find.